Friday, April 25, 2014

The Maltz AKA the most Zen mother fucking cupcake EVER.

“How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? The plum tree in the garden!” 
Brad Warner, Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies and the Truth About Reality

Hello faithful readers, it’s Li taking on the challenge of writing about cupcake number 6, the Maltz. Gaze upon its deliciousness:

It was a sexy majestic thing of beauty. - Zoe

Now, after The Elvis, and acting a fool on camera for a few weeks, we were ready for a break and just wanted to get down to baking (also our awesome camerawoman is writing her own book, which we will tell you all about once it’s ready!). The Maltz delivered that break and so much more.  I also want it on the record that I dropped the zone.  It was not to be found which is why this post took so long to come out.  I am hoping to find it again soon. Now, at this point, we were a week away from selling our cupcakes to start funding our trip to the Promised Land (also known as Brooklyn, NY), and were beyond nervous about it. We decided, fuck it, let’s just enjoy baking a damned cupcake and if no one buys one our hips will be the only ones pissed about it.

I was trolling for something amusing about Zen but this was just cooler.
“For the love of all that is good and holy, BUY THEM.”  - Li’s hips, who clearly can take no more
I so want to add a photo of Li shaking her hips, but she is Puerto Rican and will cut me.  This is a fact. - Zoe
“Suck it up hips, you know they are delicious!” – Li
She really does talk to her hips you know. - Zoe
“I love you. You’re weird.” – Zoe

OK, let’s get on with it. The Maltz is a chocolate bourbon cupcake with chocolate bourbon buttercream and candied bacon. As we are in the Love Letter to Bacon chapter, this is apt. APT! Now, if you were sold on candied bacon from The Elvis, the Robicelli’s just stepped with this one and said, “BOOM, bourbon bitches!” dropped the mic and left us in boozy cupcake heaven. 

While I liked the Elvis, I was about to go all kinds of “Swimfan” on this cupcake and stalk it like no other.  YOU LOVE ME CUPCAKE, YOU KNOW IT!  No means no, Li.
It had nothing to do with the bourbon, nothing what so ever! 
Get in the pool kids.
First, hot lunch action - Zoe had extra pastry crust, so wiener (hehe wiener) rolls with cheese happened. Full disclosure: As you know I am from Chicago, and hot dogs piss me off here like no other food. I want them dragged through the garden, celery all the salt and I will punch you in the face if you ask if I want ketchup. Ketchup does not belong on hot dogs. EVER. You’re welcome, blasphemers. I have just shown you the light.

Yeah, yeah I did that.
OK, Back to the cupcake. But first:
A badass cupcake deserved a badass t-shirt. Enter my lovelies from The Chicago Outfit! Two weeks before I left Chicago I went to The Breeders show at Double Door. Before I left I made a few Kim Deal photo charms to wear but also to give to her, as she is one of my musical idols. I was about to throw it up on stage when one of the badasses from The Chicago Outfit threw her a t-shirt – apparently Kim had been at their bout before the show. I just turned to them and gave them the all of the charms I made. Because, you know, roller derby freaking rules. A few days before I was about to leave America to relocate to NL, I was selling my crafts at Cobra Lounge, and the bartender starts calling my name and saying I have a phone call – It’s Jabby Jabs from The Chicago Outfit, and the team wanted to give me a shirt as a thank you for the charms. So, she shows up and gives me the shirt you are looking at. It’s one of my favorite shirts, so it only seemed fitting to wear it while making a boozy bacon cupcake that rocks as hard as they do. Roll on chicas, you have a lifelong fan.  She takes this shit very seriously, and is not to be trifled with.  And she looks like a badass.

I am so happy this woman is my friend.
Anyway, you have not lived my friends until you have made a paste of bourbon and chocolate. It smells like a dirty, filthy, backseat heaven. I want to go to there and so do you. I mean, look at it! How can you not want to go to confession after this, and you’re not even religious!
At this point, Monkey is behind us yelling, “CAKE! CAKE!” So we give her the paddle. Hilariously regrettable photos I will show her as an adult ensue. We understand Monkey, this shit is delicious. Also please stop being so freaking adorable. I already have diabetes and my teeth are rotting due to your cuteness.

She is dedicated to her craft.
Her dad is our quality control. I think he approves. I approve of him because he lets me laugh obnoxiously loudly in his house as least once a week and hasn’t kicked me out. YET.
There is still time Li 

Husbands response - "This is acceptable to me." Fairly sure he scraped that bitch clean.
Next: People, let’s talk candied bacon.  Bacon is like The Dude's rug (if you need an explanation then you need a good hard slap and an education in Movie awesomeness) of cupcakes – it really ties the room together. 
Listen to The Dude, The Dude abides.

If you have still have not tried candied bacon before stop reading this blog and get your ass in the kitchen. It is life-changing. We cannot say this enough.  I can wax lyrical about it forever.  So many feels.

Because butter!  We de-camped to the dining table due to nap time.  Woody is a noisy old fucker.
Finally, let’s all ohm the fuck out on the frosting. We have made the French buttercream a few times, and now find ourselves zoning out while we do it. The wait for the soft ball stage of the syrup, the slow tilt into the satiny ribbons of whipped eggs so it doesn’t split...  A batch of frosting takes on average 45 minutes to an hour, but good God is it satisfying when it emulsifies and does the thing.  This is what we look like when it does the thing. 
We so happy.
Zen Like Calm. We has it.  Once more I went trolling for a Zen meme.  I found this.  You're welcome.

Gaze upon the chocolately bourbon goodness!
And deliciousness was had by all.

My husband, really taking one for the team week after week.

“This world is better than Utopia because - and follow this point carefully - you can never live in Utopia. Utopia is always somewhere else. That's the very definition of Utopia.” 
Brad Warner, Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies and the Truth About Reality

Bigass thanks to Brad Warner for letting me gank some quotes for this post. If you have not read his blog or books, get your ass over there and get you some rockin’ inner peace.