Wednesday, May 14, 2014

#8 The Noah: Aka The Orgasmatron.

In the wee write up before this recipe, Allison writes about how this particular cupcake is named after a friend of theirs who originally came up with the name the "Orgasmatron." She explains that in an effort to keep their side walk menu PG (boo) they named it after him, The Noah.  After inhaling said cupcake, I refuse to acknowledge this mouthgasm as The Noah, as I feel its namesake was right. It is the fucking Orgasmatron! It's the Viagra of cupcakes!

I needed a cigarette after, and I don't even smoke.

The day started, shockingly with me not being hungover.  I repeat, I was NOT hungover.  I know right?!?! In fact, I was positively buoyant.  New hair, new glasses and finally finished making my first ever fitted shirt. Also I had managed to liberate Li's cowboy boots.  I was hanging out with my people, baking cakes and I didn't want to die. Yay me.  To make things even better, Awesome Friedel was back with her amazing camera with  "delicious dessert" settings.  We could actually look half decent again, to be fair, this particular day, my hair is doing strange things (the camera can only help so much,) but fuck it, today was going to be a great day.

Girl be trippin' if she thinks she is keeping my shit kickers.

It's the last of the "bacon" chapter *sad trombone* but ending with a bang.  The Orgasmatron is an apple cupcake with goat's cheese buttercream fosting, browned butter and bourbon sauce and candied bacon. Come on!  This was going to be legend.........wait for it, as you are going to have a heart attack at the end of this.... ary.

Doogie is currently playing Hedwig on Broadway. I am filled with musical happiness.

So apple cupcake was made.  Unlike NPH (if you don't know who that is, then jump of a cliff, seriously do it.  Neil Patrick Harris has taken wearing the suit to a whole new level.) this is not the sexiest of cupcakes. Don't get me wrong, it was delicious, but lets face it, like a waitress in Hooters, this bad boy is all about what's up top.
Delicious appley apple cake.  (Fun fact I just had to look up how to spell appley)
Today's tits level was fekkin enormous.  When it comes to a boob off, I am left looking like a twelve year old boy in comparison. Li was also sporting an amusing T-shirt (close up later.)  It made me giggle anyway.  Hmmmmmm meat. Moving on. I am sure we mise-en-place'd of sorts but there is no photographic evidence of this.  Sorry, but to be honest we were just very eager to get to the good part......

Li is obsessed with my teeny tiny grater. I totally need this grater in my life. 

 ....The sauce.  This is the good part. Oh, oh, oh this sauce.  Even now I am trying to thing of something to compare it to.  Every analogy I come up with, seems to fall short.  It made my friend Jess over at Aesthetic Fauna almost weep.  She then proceeded to put it on everything from our coffee to a back up cake she had in the freezer.  Yeah, that's how we roll. I rock up to her house in Amsterdam with a bag of left over frosting and sauce, she whips out some emergency cake.

So while the best fucking sauce in the universe was being created, toddlers happened.  Awesome Friedel's husband rocked up with my future son-in-law and Po.  Clearly Po needed some deliciousness too.  God damn you ovaries.  *harnesses ovarian finger guns*

Hear that? It's the sound of three women's ovaries collectively exploding. 

Goats cheese frosting up next.  President make a fine and reasonably priced goats cheese and a splendid choice for our frosting.  The goat on the package though, has a somewhat Mona Lisaesque expression.  It wigged Li out.

I ain't buying what this satanic-looking goat is selling.

Those eyes follow you, she looks like she is about to eat your soul. The goat, not Li.

What the hell am I looking at??????

Cupcake batter into the cases, spillage licked (hygiene first) and fluffy deliciousness comes out of the oven. Yummy chemistry at work.

There is a tiny towel on my finger. Just go with it people.

 As you can see we are now on cupcake number eight from the book, but making French buttercream frosting has become our thing.  We have this shit down.  (Personally I think we are keeping butter manufacturers in business with this endeavour.)  So it came as a bit of a shock when disaster struck.  The frosting was not "doing the thing."  Sloppy coagulated gunk was flying out of Woody as a disturbing rate. Oh, HELL no.

Butter!  We needed more butter!  When shit starts to split, add more butter.  Back up butter was retrieved from the fridge (yes your read that right, back up butter.) An intense ten mins followed with Li pacing up and down, hovering like an expectant father.  There was real concern.  Together we chanted "do the thing, do the thing" as another half a pack of butter was added.  Slither by slither it came together.

Tits level: nervous concern.
The relief was palpable.  Goats cheese added and happy happy joy joy ensued.  Thank you Ren and Stimpy.  Oh lord have mercy, I thought blue cheese frosting was amazing.  This shit is off the chart.

CANDY ALL THE BACON!  Or at least try. Today was not to be our day.  Once more complacency and all round cockiness struck.  We burned the bacon, it was a bacony carbonised mess.  Li marched off to the shame cave to retrieve the back up bacon.  (Yeah, that too.)  Li still hasn't forgiven herself.  Enough self flagellation to make the Opes Dei wince.  Never mess with a Puerto Rican and her pork. Back-up bacon. You're welcome for this pro-tip. 

I had to be coaxed out of the shame cave for this photo. I nearly turned in my Boricua card.
A sadder-sounding "wepa" has never been uttered. 

This is how it should be done.  The various stages of caramelised Sus Domesticus.  The common pig to you and me.  See how smart I am?

This is what happens when you get it right.  Two grown ass women, licking a window. (Let's face it folks, pride and dignity went out of the window when we started this gig)

Tits level: just give them an an area code already!

Lookie, Lookie.  This is how they came together, when everything finally went right.  Oh so very many feels. By far and away, this is my favourite so far.  That sauce will be a part of my life forever.

Jesus in a jumpsuit these were amazing.

And this is why it should be named The Orgasmatron.  Look at that face.  Nothing outside the bedroom should be able to bring out that expression.

I am SO glad my Mamas is not online. 

As is our tradition, toddlers first.  So much sugar, but the candied bacon is for me.  Sharing only goes so far.

Luke, on the other hand is notorious for his bacon thievery.  Good man.

Aaaaaand my ovaries exploded again. 


  1. Replies
    1. I will make you so much yumminess, you will never want to leave.